i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
