What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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