apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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