I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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