I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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