I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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