he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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