My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
