she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
