so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
