Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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