I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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