As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
