It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
