flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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