he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
