I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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