I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize