When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
