Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
