You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
whose ass print is on the piano?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
