I wish I only lived at night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
