my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
