Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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