having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
