we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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