Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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