god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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