i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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