she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
