hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
