is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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