I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
