The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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