did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize