My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize