Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
