Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
