I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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