i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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