He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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