There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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