too bad you live with your parents still
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
