Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
