why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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