We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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