The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
