She is in my trunk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
