she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
