First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
