I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
