I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
