If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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