ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
