i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have already put on my inside pants.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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