I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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