there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
