A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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