What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
well you can't waste a boner
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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