i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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