I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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