and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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