so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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