she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
