i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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