I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
