Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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