I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
