she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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