This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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