Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
