no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
