you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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